Children?............

Having kids has been on my mind lately..... Well I should say just wondering when I will actually have the desire to have children. I look at all the cute babies on social media, yes I "Ooo & Ahhh" over them. But I am in no way shape or form ready for a child. (& I'm kinda scared to be even writing this post because what if I was to become prego in the near future.... ya know cause God has a sense of humor like that sometimes)  Of course I want to have kids one day... but I just feel like I'm never going to actually get to that point where I am ready? Does that make sense?....

Andrew & I were talking about having kids recently (JUST TALKING.... not like talking "hey lets have a baby" talking) and I told him it pretty much just stresses me out to the max thinking about having children... Which pretty much says I am not ready for a child. I am terrified of actually having the child. I don't do pain. Or blood.... or hospitals. I hate it all. It freaks me out.... Like I can't even handle a child crying in a store. It doesn't even have to be a loud cry. I'm just like seriously someone please handle that kid right now. It makes me anxious. Seriously, just ask my mom, its happened multiple times when we are out shopping.

I've just been wondering... do you get to that point where it all just clicks? & your like hey I'm ready to have a baby!.... I feel like I am never going to get to that point... & I probably shouldn't even be thinking about all of this right now... or stressing over it. Andrew & I have only been married 9 months. But then again its already 9 MONTHS. We said we would probably start trying to have a baby at 2 years..... That is not that far off people! I think maybe that's where all this came from. Its almost already a year we've been together. THAT IS CRAZY. Time is flying by. It feels like we just got married yesterday. (but then it feels like we've been together forever... I know, I'm nuts. Don't judge)

Another thing that scares me about having a child is being a good example for him or her. I know, you're probably thinking "you're just thinking about that?". But when I think about having a kid I just think about the pain of childbirth and the no sleep thing. I hate pain & I LOVE sleep. (we've been over this...) But it really hit me recently when I was at my parents church one Sunday morning. The hubs was out of town so I went to church with them instead of our church. & because my Daddy was doing puppets for the service they were having for all of the kids. (he's a pretty awesome puppeteer, he even does the voices) The children's pastor preached that day (also the man who married Andrew & I) He was preaching about how parents are examples for their kids. Whether they want to be or not. Its sad how many parents just drop their kids off at church & don't actually go. It was kinda a slap in the face for me, like hey Ashli you really gotta get yourself together before you have a kid! I never really thought about how much your kids look up to you. How they watch your every move. They learn what kind of person to be by the kind of person you are. Of course there are always outside sources they learn from but you primarily are teaching your children who they should be. THAT IS SCARY.... Would I be a good example for my kids? Will I be... Its a lot to think about. It makes me want to work even harder to be a better person. A better wife. Friend. Believer. etc... So my children can look at me one day & be proud of who their moma is.

In all reality if Andrew & I got prego tomorrow (but really God, please don't...) I would be ok with it. I would pretty much just accept it as Gods timing. It would be meant to be. Gods timing is never on our time.

So are you a lunatic like me about having children? Does it scare you? Or how did you handle it if you've already had kids?

Or maybe just make me feel better by telling me you've had some of the same feelings! ;)